Ketki Desai knew she was going to marry before she ever fell in love.

Ever since she was a child growing up in San Francisco, Desai’s parents told her she would have an arranged marriage, not one based on love. She said she was not too worried about it, because she felt her parents would choose what was best for her.

This December, she will celebrate her decision with her 10-year wedding anniversary with her husband, Nilang.

“You have to really trust,” she said. “I trusted my parents…and today I’m very happy.”

People within the Indian community in the United States are seeing a change in the way marriages are arranged here. These days, parents are giving their children more freedom to pick and choose which candidate they would like to marry, according to local experts. Even so, arranged marriages are alive and well.

Firdous Kamran, a Fremont-based matchmaker who arranges marriages for mostly Indian and Pakistani families, said that of the more than 400 marriages she has arranged, 75 and 80 percent of the couples are still married. The national American divorce rate shifts between 40 and 50 percent, according to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University.

“Mostly parents say, ‘Okay children, if they like [the candidate], then that’s okay, but if they don’t like [the candidate], then they have to see another person,” she said.

It is likely that these kids are accepting the marriages because they have a good relationship with their parents, according to sociologist Maitrayee Bhattacharyya, who conducted a study on intermarriage in 1996 and 1997. The study touched on arranged marriages, which are an integral part of Indian culture. She emphasized that there is room for more dialogue between children and their parents when arranging marriages.

“The young girl and the young boy may know what love is, but they will never know what marriage is,” said Dharwar Achar, Executive Administrator of the Hindu Community and Cultural Center in Livermore. “It’s a question of two families, not just two individuals.”

Desai was introduced to her future husband, Nilang, after her uncle and to-be father-in-law arranged the match in India. After the traditional series of background checks that are conducted before any formal arrangements are made, Desai met Nilang in September 1996. When choosing a partner, a family takes the religious, economic and social background of the other family into consideration. To some families, it is important that their children marry someone who is within their caste, because these people are within the same social class. Caste is usually indicated by last name.

It is customary for members of both families to meet with one another, and allow the prospective couple to meet alone for no more than 40 minutes, after which they decide if they would like to pursue an engagement.

“I was kind of freaked out…” Desai said. “I felt like I needed more time to talk to him, but that’s how much time [our parents] gave us to get to know each other.”

Nilang said he was concerned about their first meeting.

“The only hard thing is not knowing the person thoroughly,” he said. “But we saw our family members getting married like that, and it went well.”

After a follow-up meeting, the couple finalized the engagement in September 1996. During the engagement period they were allowed to meet with each other, but always had to have a family member escort them. The couple was married in India that December.

“Love at first sight does not happen in arranged marriages…it’s a question of time,” said Achar. “The fundamental difference between the East and the West [is that] they really fall in love only after getting married.”

During the nearly 10 years that they have been married, the Desais say that their love for each other has grown, but they have had their share of ups and downs. Although divorce was always an option for them—in terms of their parents allowing them to have one—they managed to avoid it with some help from their families. “That’s the good thing about arranged marriages: If things don’t work out, you can always go back to your parents, and they’ll always try to patch things up,” said Desai. “They’re like counselors.”