From the airwaves to glossy mainstream media, listeners and readers are inundated with the prescribed notion of what is sexy. And what these cultural images suggest is there are certain, often physical, "conditions" for a satisfying sex life. Women, especially, are identified socially with their bodies and taught early to be conscious of their body shape, weight, and physical attributes. But even more telling is perhaps the failure to recognize the sexuality of America’s largest minority, disabled people.

As one who is not disabled, I do not propose to speak for all disabled people or non-disabled people. But from plain observation of the media, there is little, if not zero, discussion of the sexuality of those with disabilities, or there is the belief that they are chaste or asexual.

"People are afraid to come up to you and say hello," said Paul Wicks, a political science major and member of the Queer Alliance at SF State, who has lived with Cerebral Palsy since birth. "They are afraid of the unknown; we have the same wants, needs, and desires, [but they] don’t want to take the time to understand."

However, most people with disabilities do not see themselves as tragic or sexless, according to Gary Karp, a writer for the Good Vibes Online Magazine.
Patrcia Owens, who is 46 years old and endured a stroke three times in her life as a result of sickle cell disease, is happier with her love life now than she was before her third stroke four years ago. Her last stroke had affected her ability to walk and she now uses an electric wheelchair, but she said it hasn’t affected her sex life at all. It’s even better, she claims.

"I’m still kickin’," said Owens, but she admits movement in lovemaking is somewhat restricted. "You can’t move like you want to move. You can’t turn this way, you can’t turn that way."

But it’s still satisfying, she said, with the right guy.

Having a physical disability does not mean they don’t have sexual urges, can’t have intercourse, or are unable to achieve orgasm. Surely, if one has a spinal cord injury and they are unable to control their arms or legs, getting into certain sexual positions may be a near impossibility.

The real question is, why is there the perception that disabilities make for a nonexistent or less than satisfying sex life?

Cowgirl, missionary, doggie-style; as non-disabled people we often take for granted the ease of turning onto our hands and knees, kneeling, spreading, reaching for those hidden crevices, or the way we cling to our lover in our highest moments of intensity.

Oooh, yes! It’s just the way we saw Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze do it in Ghost! Or in the "lick, suck, f*ck, come" porno videos we keep hidden in the closet beneath our folded clothes! That’s what real, satisfying sex is!

Is it?

We ask if disabled people can have sex, but we only ask because we ourselves carry certain pictures and beliefs, our own set of "requirements," for enjoyable sex. It’s helpful to understand what oneself needs to have a fulfilling sexual experience, whether ones conditions for great sex include something as simple as mood lighting to achieving orgasm every time, or even having a different body type.

The danger is in adhering to the idea that there’s a "normal" or "right way" to have sex. Not only does it shroud our perception with stereotypes, it fails to recognize the sexuality of those who may not have normal function of all their body’s faculties.

Martha Cornog, author and editor of various books on sexuality, said in a review of “The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability,” that individuals need to give themselves permission to consider anything as a sexual experience and discover what “sex” is for them.

We strain to shape our bodies and organize our lives toward our pictures of the way sex is "supposed" to be. But it detracts from the real celebration, the surrender to pleasure and to our lover’s body, and it it’s ultimately limiting to our own sexuality.