After “Prince” Bush Junior II finishes snorting a mound of cocaine off of Condoleezza Rice’s ass, he shouts at his angriest henchman, United Nations Ambassador Yosemite Sam AKA John Bolton. “Them dang ole’ I-RAN-I-ANS gon’ get they-selves a nuke! Bomb them bastards! Give em’ sum Goddamn freedom!”

“Mmm, war with Iran,” moans Condi. “Oooohh, yeeeaaahhh, Mr. Bush. Thinking about all that wet...thick...JUICY OIL makes me want to give you an aggressive, yet professional handjob in your six-wheel truck.”

Yosemite Bolton leaves the horny couple by themselves, and makes a speech to a pro-Israel lobbying group on March 5. He declares that the U.S. is “beefing up defensive measures” to deal with Iran, and that Iran will face “tangible and painful consequences” if it continues its nuclear program.

Since Iran started developing nuclear power, the already tremendous hostility between Iran and America has been steadily escalating. Since the 1979 Iranian hostage crisis, America has viewed Iran as a lunatic trouble-maker. And Iran has long viewed America as a greedy oil pig.

Iran is deeply resentful of America’s six-decade history of propping up viciously oppressive governments in the Middle East, like the Saudi royal family and the Mubarak regime in Egypt. These regimes starve their people while American corporations pump gobs of oil. Iran also has angry memories of 1953, when the U.S. staged a government takeover. Tanks rolled through the streets and Iran’s elected prime minister was replaced with our own pro-American puppet king who stayed in place until the Iranian Revolution of 1978.

Besides this vile history, the main problem is this: Iran wants nuclear power because America has threatened to invade. But America might not invade if they know Iran has a nuke.

The United Nation’s International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) recently reported that they couldn’t determine whether Iran is trying to manufacture nuclear weapons. And legally, Iran has the right to develop nuclear power because of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. The treaty states that nations who don’t have nuclear power will still be allowed to pursue peaceful nuclear programs solely for energy purposes.

So, Iran told the world, “We’re developing nuclear power for bombs...I mean, peaceful energy...” And they have the right to because of the treaty.

But is this actually scary? According to the IAEA, Iran is still a couple years away from having enough highly-enriched uranium to produce one crude nuclear weapon. One? The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists reports that the U.S. has 10,000 nuclear warheads. “People are so concerned about Iran getting the nuke,” says Phyllis Bennis, a fellow at the Institute for Policy Studies in Washington D.C. Bennis has been studying America’s foreign policy in the Middle East since 1990. “But what’s most terrifying is that America, the only nation that has ever used nuclear weapons before, now has enough to blow up the world several times over.”

Even our allies got nuclear weapons hangin’ out of their anuses. Israel, America’s strongest ally in the Middle East, has the fifth largest arsenal of nuclear weapons in the world. “Israel is the elephant in the room that no one’s talking about. When Israel is sitting on 400 high-density hydrogen bombs, everyone else in the neighborhood is going to want one,” says Bennis.

But does Iran really want a nuke? “It depends on the security situation of Iran,” says Mansour Farhang, Iran’s first ambassador to the United Nations. “The U.S. and Israel have repeatedly threatened Iran with the military option, and the Iranian people are afraid of soldiers storming the streets of Iran and killing civilians like what is happening in Iraq. So Iran wants what Germany and Japan have – the ability to manufacture nuclear weapons quickly if they need to defend themselves.”

But maybe nuclear weapons aren’t the real issue. “The real problem is the extreme political tension between Iran and America. Iran thinks the U.S. is going to attack,” says Farhang. “The only way to prevent Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon is for the U.S. and Iran to have direct negotiations with each other, and Iran is willing to negotiate.”

There are three main incentives the U.S. can offer Iran. First, Iran is surrounded by U.S. military presence on all sides. “America has been wanting a new regime in Iran since 1979,” says SF State Assistant International Relations professor Sophie Clavier. “We will have to guarantee them that we won’t attack.”

Second, the U.S. has implemented sweeping economic sanctions against Iran for decades. Iranian assets have been frozen in U.S. banks since the hostage crisis of 1979, and the country suffers from staggering debt. “Iran’s goal is not to be treated like an economic pariah,” says Leonor Tomero, a non-proliferation policy analyst for the Washington DC-based Center for Arms Control and Non-Proliferation.

Third, Iran wants to be a player in the security arrangements in the Gulf region. This makes sense because Iran and the U.S. have a convergence of interests. “Iran was thrilled when the U.S. toppled the Saddam regime in Iraq and the Taliban regime in Afghanistan,” says Farhang. “These were Iran’s two biggest enemies. So there are objective reasons why the U.S. and Iran should collaborate.”

So how likely are these negotiations? Well, on March 8, senior Iranian national security official Javad Vaeedi responded to American military threats directly: “The United States may have the power to cause harm and pain but it is also susceptible to harm and pain,” Vaeedi said. “So if the United States wishes to choose that path, let the ball roll.”

Ummm...okay. Well, we’ve already gone to war in the Middle East twice in the past five years. Why not thrice?

CONTACT RAFIZADEH AT OMEEDRAF@HOTMAIL.COM