Aries (March 21 - April 19): I usually think conspiracy theories are bullshit, but this time everyone really is looking at you, whispering and plotting to “get you good.”

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): By now you don’t need me to tell you, Taurus, that you drink too much, piss people off and can’t pay a bill on time for the life of you. So this month, baby steps. Pick one of those dozen people you owe money to and give them twenty bucks.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Go get it checked out. You keep telling yourself its nothing and it will go away on its own, but believe me, you don’t want to wait till it fills with pus and starts to burn. Which it will. And if you wait long enough it will even start to fester and smell. Have you ever seen something fester? Not cool.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Turn off the TV, pick up a book and make yourself a salad. Floss your teeth every day and buy a good multivitamin. Go for a jog and don’t be mean to people for no reason. Keep up on international news.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Is there any chance that you could be pregnant? Like any chance? I’m just getting a vibe here.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Buy the one you love something expensive. Offer to rub her feet after work and at least to pretend to be interested when she talks about her day. Don’t let her walk through the room topless without making some mildly dirty remark about the perkiness of her tits. Oh, and oral sex. Lots of oral sex.

Libra (September 23 - October 22): I can only imagine that Ugg boots are comfortable. But so are slippers and sweatpants, and you don’t wear those to the mall. Please, stop wearing Ugg boots. They are not cute. And by now they all look like Payless rip-offs, so I’m extra sorry if you shelled out any significant cash for those hideous things. The stars command you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): You should totally see Mission Impossible 3. It’s friggin’ awesome. Tom Cruise is still a fox, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a proven creep factor on the big screen. Hot cars, shit exploding and chicks in backless dresses; all I can say is DUN DUN, DA – DA DUN DUN!!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): I know things have been tough lately, but don’t worry, soon you’ll find a much more effective coping method. It will help you pull through when the really tough times come, early next year.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Do you feel anxious, tired or depressed? Are you suffering from a change in appetite, energy levels or sexual desire? If so, you should contact your doctor and ask about Salatrex. Take back your life with Salatrex.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): If you work really hard, stay organized and be responsible with your money, things should work out well for you. Start saving for retirement now and your 60-plus years will be comfortable.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): You’re pretty.