TAURUS April 20-May 20
An upcoming big life change demands a dramatic and permanent celebration. Go out and get a tattoo of an elf riding a zebra through the desert. It will be the best decision you will ever make.

GEMINI May 21-June 21
Your mother stumbled upon your MySpace page last night. Right now, she’s somewhere in northwest Nevada – on her seventh cup of coffee and almost out of audio books – on her way to come and pull you out of college. Party’s over.

CANCER June 22-July 22
Stop calling your ex-girlfriend! She is SO beyond over you and since those charming messages you left on St. Patrick’s Day, courtesy of 14 shots of Jameson Irish Whiskey, she’s thinking of getting a restraining order. Dude!

LEO July 23-August 22
Smoking kills. So do rabid wombats. You must learn to pick your battles wisely. Hint: watch the hell out for agitated wombats that are foaming at the mouth.

VIRGO August 23-September 22
Check the date that your driver’s license expires. Figure out exactly how long it has been since you’ve been to the dentist. Learn to plan your own preemptive strikes and you’ll sleep like a baby.

LIBRA September 23-October 22
Days are getting warmer and longer. Time to start acting aloof and distant, picking meaningless fights with your significant other so you can be free to sleep with every man, woman and medium sized dog lounging in Dolores Park by June 1.

SCORPIO October 23-November 21
You’ve proven to be a whiz in chemical engineering and you’ve already rented your cap and gown, but I happen to know that your true claim to fame and success will be online gambling. Quit this rat race right now and log on to pokerroom.com.

SAGITTARIUS November 22-December 21
There is a possibility that you will be hit by a Dodge Charger while trying to text message your sister and cross a busy Market Street intersection. There is also a strong possibility that you do not have a sister.

CAPRICORN December 22-January 19
It seems like everyone is picking on you these days. Earn back their respect the old fashioned way: Punch someone square in the eye socket and keep swinging until you draw a crowd.

AQUARIUS January 20-February 18
You have spent years alone in your musty bedroom meekly plotting your dramatic ascent to absolute success. Time’s up – go get ‘em tiger.

PISCES February 19-March 20
You know how you’ve heard that if someone smells really, really bad they often don’t know it because they get used to their own smell? You know? Yeah...uh, weird.

ARIES March 21-April 19
You prepared for spring break with a strict regime of sit-ups and soon you’ll be recovering with a strict regime of horse-pill antibiotics. Be thankful summer in SF comes late because that rash won’t be pretty.

CONTACT FEHER AT FEHER@SFSU.EDU