I really like Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, I really do. Since first premiering five years ago, the four-to-five hour block of mature-themed animated dramas and comedies have done a lot to dispel old beliefs about cartoons being just for kids. Without them, anime wouldn’t have the kind of audience in America that it does today – as most people would probably still think that the last good one was 1988’s Akira. This is why I can’t figure out how the network execs that brought us Fullmetal Alchemist and Cowboy Bebop thought that adding Trinity Blood to their new fall line-up was a good idea.

Trinity Blood is set sometime in the very distant future, 500 years after a catastrophic war referred to only as “The Armageddon,” in which human civilization is nearly destroyed. Humanity, of course, escapes this total annihilation and years later, for some reason, the Catholic Church is the only organization powerful enough to rebuild society and it does so in its own ideals and beliefs. Somehow during all of this, vampires appear on the planet and start feeding on the remaining humans, who just can’t seem to catch a break. To combat these new foes the Vatican creates AX, a military branch of the church comprised of kung-fu-fighting-gun-wielding priests dressed up in gaudy black and white robes.

The series centers around an AX priest named Abel Nightroad, who seems to be cut straight out of the anime cliché book. He’s a clumsy, but good-natured pacifist with a heart of gold and a dark past full of more sins than the entire state of Nevada. He also has a terrible secret. He’s a Crusnik, an ancient vampire who feeds off the blood of other vampires. Cue the dramatic music.

Anyone who has seen Trigun will know this story already, but don’t let that fool you into thinking this show is anywhere near as good that series. Because whereas Trigun was a fast-paced action-oriented story about redemption set in the Old West, Trinity Blood is an exercise at seeing how much a writer can borrow from every other anime and video game before it can be called intellectual theft.

Character designs are very reminiscent of those seen in such popular video games as Castlevania: Symphony of the Night and Guilty Gear. The show’s director, Tomohiro Hirata, should’ve just changed Abel’s name to Alucard and be done with it.

The story’s pacing is very slow and character development is almost non-existent. In the first episode, Abel must stop a vampire from crashing a hijacked airship into the Vatican. But instead of seeing exciting fight scenes or getting insight into the minds of the main characters, we’re treated to 15 minutes of Abel running between corridors with a female passenger followed by five minutes of him explaining what a Crusnik is and then the ending credits!

But it’s not all bad.

The animation itself is gorgeous. GONZO, the studio that brought us Full Metal Panic! and Final Fantasy: Unlimited, really outdid themselves with their latest effort. The colors are vibrant, the characters move smoothly, and most of the backgrounds are done in computer graphics, which complement the semi-futuristic tone of the show.

Though anime purists may scoff, the English voice actors do an excellent job as well. Troy Baker (Basilisk: The Kouga Ninja Scrolls) provides a suitably gentle and somewhat feminine voice for the androgynous Abel. And Christopher Sabat, who gained much acclaim for his portrayal of the narcissistic Alex Louis Armstrong on Fullmetal Alchemist, gives a perfectly cold and emotionless performance as the robot priest Tres Iqus.

The sound effects are also very full and loud. The many explosions and gunshots heard throughout the show are especially strong. Though none of this really helps to save its incredibly slow story.

With so many great anime series out in Japan now, it’s a wonder why Adult Swim decided to pick up Trinity Blood for localization. If you love anime stay away from this show – unless you’re trying to wean yourself off it, then by all mean set your TiVos. If you’ve never seen anime or are merely a casual observer of it, stay away from this show. Its only purpose should be to remind you that FLCL comes on in an hour and a half.

Now FLCL, that’s an innovative series (pronounced “fooly cooly,” a word which originally started as an in-joke by Japanese manga artists trying to find a way to represent the sound a character’s hands makes when rubbing a woman’s breasts). Who knew watching a show about statutory rape and pink-haired alien-women bashing 12-year-olds over the head with a magic guitar could be so damn entertaining?

Trinity Blood airs every Saturday at midnight on Cartoon Network. A perfect time slot for the show since most people will have either already passed out from sitting through the insufferably incomprehensible Metalocalpyse. Or they won’t be stumbling back home until hours later, after a long night of hard drinking and partying at the bar. Maybe if we all pray as hard as the show’s characters tell us to, Trinity Blood will fade away into obscure anime history faster than Mel Gibson’s transformation from A-list celebrity to anti-Semite.
Trinity Blood: D+