Aspen Baker has a very difficult decision to make and is conflicted. She is 23 and pregnant. The “should” thoughts run through her mind – she should have more money and she feels sad to be in this position. But it’s not time for her to be a mom. The recent college graduate realizes the best thing she can do to take care of herself is to have an abortion.

Baker never regrets her decision. She’s grateful to have had a legal abortion and grateful that the procedure was paid for by her health insurance. But afterwards she also feels a great sense of loss and sadness. Sad to be in that position, sad that the abortion was something she had to do, and sad that she couldn’t be a mom at that time.

She wonders if other people have gone through this before. Was she going to be OK?

Baker thinks about what she wants to do. She wants to fill what she thinks is a gap in post-abortion. So she does something that most women don’t necessarily do after an abortion – she talks with different people about her experience and listens to their stories.

Through a variety of conversations, Baker meets the four women (Susan Criscione, Carolina De Robertis, Anna Goldstein and Laura Perez) who become co-founders of a free, anonymous hotline that provides post-abortion counseling to women and their partners or family members.

Founded in 2002 and based in Oakland, Exhale is a national, multi-lingual hotline that counsels women who need to talk about their abortion experience. The hotline also offers support to male callers, who may have their own post-abortion emotions.

As Exhale’s executive director, Baker now knows a lot more about the emotions involved during the months after an abortion. She says that some women feel totally traumatized and regret their abortion while others might feel like it’s the best decision they ever made.

”And neither of those is wrong," Baker says. "It’s not like, which one of them is in denial and which one is really telling the truth. They’re both telling the truth."

But what she’s also learned through research and talking with others is that each woman’s abortion experience is unique.

Exploring individual values, beliefs and cultural assumptions is part of the 48-hour training period volunteers undergo before they even take a call. The training, which takes place over several weeks, includes everything from the history of abortion internationally and stateside, to a field trip to an abortion clinic called “A Walk in Her Shoes.” Volunteers also learn how to take a call by role-playing, asking open-ended questions and making the caller feel at ease.

Post-abortion emotions vary depending on the women and her state of mind beforehand. Baker was conflicted prior to the abortion; she now knows it can affect other woman who have had an abortion.

“Some female callers wonder if they’re still pro-choice and say, ‘well, I’ve had an abortion. I’m really pro-choice and I just never knew I’d feel this bad. Am I pro-choice?’” she says.

Dr. Nancy Adler, who is a network chair and has multiple titles in the health psychology program at University of California San Francisco (UCSF), has conducted post-abortion studies since the mid-70s. One of her most surprising results came from a study in 1975 when relief and happiness was the predominant response of women the study.

“The psychological status of women following abortion will be tied to the conditions of their lives before the abortion, and why they needed to terminate their pregnancy,” Dr. Adler says.

Starting Exhale in the Bay Area had its advantages. Baker describes the Bay Area as a “non-profit mecca” with lots of tools and resources compared to other parts of the country. But living in a state with a liberal stance on hot-button issues like abortion can be a challenge.

“When I talk to people that run abortion clinics or services in other parts of the country where abortion is very politicized, they are very clear how much counseling is needed,” Baker says. “Where [abortion] feels less threatening or politicized…people are like ‘what’s the big deal? I mean abortion is legal, why do you need counseling?” she says.

Since the hotline went national in 2005 and expanded its hours (adding weekends), the number of calls jumped from 75-100 per month to around 300 calls a month.

There are currently 40 volunteers on staff but the hotline is looking to recruit more volunteers for the next training session beginning in March. Interested volunteers are expected to commit to ten months on the line and are willing to explore their own assumptions about abortion and a willingness to support the well-being of callers. All the volunteers are currently female, but Baker is actively recruiting male volunteers who can help counsel male callers.

Exhale is also expanding their presence producing a bilingual zine called Our Truth, a publication where women can tell their stories in a public way – those in-between stories that aren’t necessarily extreme and can access the public dialogue about abortion, says Baker.

Sometimes the most personal dialogue isn’t always easy to express. When asked whether she would change her decision to have the abortion given the knowledge she has today, Baker’s response is poignant.

“Um I don’t know,” she says. “I definitely would have done the same thing. I believe I absolutely made the best decision...” she pauses. “I think maybe I just…” she pauses again. “Yeah I don’t know. I’m gonna have to think about that more. No one’s asked me that before.”

For more information about Exhale please contact their website at www.4exhale.org