Dear James,

I have been dating my boyfriend (let's call him "Gene") for about six months
now. We make whoopie almost daily, but lately it’s been getting boring. When I confronted him about how we could improve it, he said that he really wanted to have anal sex with me. I am really opposed to having things put in my butt, but I am afraid that if I don't let him do this he will leave me, or worse we will have really mundane whoopie for the rest of our relationship! Please help me, and tell me what I
should do.

Anal-Retentive in Aurora

Dear Anal,

Before you go letting your man knock away at your backdoor, you might want to explore other methods of spicing up your sex life. Public sex can add an element of danger and excitement to your love life. Have you tried having sex while being shot out of a cannon? Or, better yet, start swinging. Call up all your friends (the clean ones), throw some Reynolds Wrap down on your living-room floor, and have a good-old-fashioned Roman orgy. Also, sex in space is the incipient rage (just give it a few decades), so you might want to save those pennies (200 billion of them, to be exact) and book a love seat on the next Soyuz.
However, if you don’t have any STD-free friends, if you don’t live by a park without a children’s playground, if you don’t have $2 billion, or a cannon, then you might want to try backdoor option.

Sincerely,
James

Dear James,

I read in a blog that the apocalypse is coming in exactly 13 days. I
was wondering if you had any advice or tips for creating a bomb
shelter. I need it to be able to fit myself and my pet chinchilla.

Thank you for your help.

Paranoid in Petaluma

Dear Paranoid,
That was no mere blog - that was the Word, my dear. The word of the Almighty. God is computer literate. Therefore, taking steps to protect you and your loved one from the day of judgment is futile. The wrath of God is inescapable. Mere steel and iron will not save you from the fire and brimstone, from the fury and judgment of the Lord our God. Repent, my lamb. Get your chinchilla to repent, too. Be joyous, for the kingdom of Jehovah is at hand.

Sincerely,
James

Dear James,

I'm pretty sure I'm failing one of my classes. But I heard from a very reliable source that my professor has a history of raising students' grades if the students have sex with him. I'm so worried about my GPA that
I'm considering propositioning him. Only, I'm a gay guy and I'm not sure if his door swings that way. I figure the worst he could do is say no.

Not-so-straight A's

Dear Not-so-straight,
Here’s what you should do. Write him a note outlining what you have to offer in exchange for a good grade in the class. Be sure to not disclose your gender or identity in the letter. You should request a romantic rendezvous at some secluded location. Leave one copy of the letter under his office door, and leave another in an envelope addressed to your school’s Dean of Student Affairs, ready to be mailed off if the shit hits the fan. Meet your professor at the rendezvous spot, and have a friend in tow with a camera. If he is into you, and will change your grade in exchange for sex, then you are in business. If he is straight, and only gives good grades to girls who tickle his fancy, threaten to send the letter and the pictures your friend took to the Dean of Students. You win either way.

Sincerely,
James

Dear James,
When is it appropriate to wear snake skin pants?

Slithering Sally

Dear Slithering,
All day, every day. Especially if all your friends are vegan.

Sincerely,
James

Dear James,

I need to be famous. REALLY famous. If I don't get famous, no one will know how great I am and that would be a travesty. Do you have any tips for a unique way to travel the road to super-stardom?

You should be thankful that I am writing you.

Sincerely,
Narcissistic in Novato

Dear Narcissistic,

The fame that you seek will be hard to attain in a society that deifies the mega-models, uber-starlets, and hyper-hunks. You seem to be quite determined, and posses a level of self-absorption that that is a common attribute among the American glitterati. Yet, you have a lot of fierce competition here in the States. You should take your pop and sizzle to a place where super-stardom is a nascent phenomenon. A country populated with squares. Like Canada. Or Poland. Better yet, Nepal! I would bet a sack of nickels that those Nepalese are just yearning for your bright shining stardom to eclipse Mt. Everest. Lights, camera, yak fur!

Sincerely,
James

Dear James,
I am always stuck in the Humanities Building at SF State and I take BART to school. The building is so far away from the MUNI and shuttle stops on 19th Avenue. I get tired walking all the way up there. Do you know of any secret shortcuts or easy ways of getting from one side of my campus to the other?

Lazy Girl

Dear Lazy,
If your feet get tender from pounding the campus pavement, I suggest you invest in a Rascal. Sure, they are primarily for seniors, but hey, why let them have all the fun? Who says you need a weak bladder and liver spots to deserve your very own mini-vehicle? Just think, you will be the envy of your peers, especially if you customize your Rascal. Maybe a sub-woofer, some spinners, dual carburetor, and a raccoon tail tied to the radio antenna. Sweet.

Sincerely,
James

Dear James,
I come from the sunny East Bay to a cold and gloomy university in San Francisco. Any tips on how to best dress for this Arctic climate?
PS- I don't like layers.

Chilled to the Bone

Dear Chilled,
The most efficient way to cut through that campus gloom is to set yourself on fire before you leave your house. Yes, you might receive a complaint or two while riding BART, but you will be nice and toasty by the time you get to school.

Sincerely,
James

Dear James,

Oh, Help me!

I feel so lonely amid all these individualistic, money-oriented Americans. I come from a place far away and I don’t know how to make friends here. Can somebody please advise me how to go about to satisfy my hunger for social interactions?

All Alone in the world

Dear All Alone,
I know that you may see our American ways as strange. Our obsession with celebrity, our unhealthy fixation with violence, and our piggish attitude towards sex all might seem a tad confusing. But you must realize that God made our country the mighty economic, cultural and military juggernaut that is it. I suggest that you accept that Americans are infallible, shed your old-world cultural hang-ups, and join the winning team. Are you with us, or against us? If you are the latter, I will be forced to report you to the FBI.

Sincerely,
James

Dear James,

My co-worker keeps asking me out even though I've told him about my 11th
Commandment (thou shall not have relations with a co-worker-eth). I like him but I'm afraid if we do hook-up he's going to get attached (they always do). What should I do ?

Worker Needs Benefits

Dear Benefits,

Don’t shit where you eat.

Sincerely,
James