Hey guys, just shooting you an e-mail to talk about what’s going on in the papers. The scientists have studied that insanely massive wall of white silence steadily approaching from the Atlantic Ocean, and they’re blaming you guys. Apparently, what they’ve narrowed it down to is that we’re facing, well…the end of reality. Gentlemen, at 4:30 in the afternoon, you will have filmed all the reality that our world has to offer, therefore bringing on the end of the world yourselves. It was fine when people were just getting their rides pimped, fucking and/or fighting their token stereotypical roommates, surviving on deserted islands, or eating freshly removed rhinoceros testicles for money, but you went too far. Scientists say the wall began building up right after you gave Hulk Hogan’s family a show. It then began its approach last night at 9 right after you aired the season premiere of “How K-Fed Stays Fed”, a show about how Kevin Federline gets by these days working at Fat Burger in the day and selling gay midget porno tapes in the evening. Because of you TV guys, the whole world is facing the impending shitstorm to end all shitstorms, gentlemen. Scientists are ducking for cover and are turning to the entertainment biz for help, and I, major film producer Ron Peters, have a solution. Gather up all the screen and script writers in the world. The world, dammit! Why? Because now they have to write reality. That’s right, I propose we assign screen writers to each and every average person to ensure that reality goes on.
I know, it sounds like a damn foolish, crazy idea. Crazy like a fox, I say. You see gentlemen, we are in the entertainment business. Did you forget that? Back in the day, you wrote clever, funny shows that were fictional and people loved them because it was an escape. Everybody has to deal with dickheads and morons every day and those shows were a great way to get away from them. These days, people come home only to watch more dickheads and morons. It’s about time to put minds to use again instead of filming idiots doing what they do. Actually we have no choice, because the future now hangs in the balance, and only creativity can help.
It may sound like a harrowing task to write the rest of reality as we know it, but we should be up to it. I know it’s not traditionally our strength to write stuff that resembles true reality through heartfelt characters and subtle yet effective storylines like “American Beauty”, although this brave new world doesn’t have to be evocative and thought provoking. It can be ass-kicking and full of explosions, just like we’re used to! We have the power to give everyone the awesome, fantastic lives we’ve only teased them with through our movies. Truly, the world would be a better place where anyone can exact vengeance as a ninja against their vampire nemesis. Hell, let them be the vampire nemesis, too! Let’s fill this world with pirates, zombie killers, fighter pilots, and every superhero we can make up and I swear this new reality will be far superior to the old. Homelessness won’t be a problem because we could write them all awesome sidekick roles. Better give them kung-fu skills, though. Evil people would be even more evil, but at least the good guys always win in the end. And of course, our uncanny ability to churn out sequels like there’s no tomorrow will ensure that there indeed will always be a tomorrow!
What’s more, transferring our movie magic to reality itself would be a benefit to my movie budgets. Sadly, even if we can set aside our most grandiose ideas for the big screen, it would hardly compete with how ridiculously awesome real life is. Over-the-top movies just won’t serve as an escape to an over-the-top world, so our new world’s summer Blockbuster’s will consist of such sizzling, chart-topping titles as “Man Pumps His Own Gas,” “Woman Cooks Scrambled Eggs For Breakfast,” and the perennial classic “Boy Clips His Toenails.” These portrayals of acts nobody ever thinks to carry out will be fantastic and mysterious to your average John…McClane. Not only that, but I wouldn’t have to spend 250 million hard-earned dollars for computer generated special effects and stunt men. Now I only have to spend twelve bucks to hear some “oohs and ahhs.”
As you read this, I’m already in the process of writing the next five years with my company of writers alone. It’s no task to us, we’ve spent our entire lives producing extravagant summer blockbuster hits. I can’t even count how many scripts about saving the world I’ve Okayed, so I figure my writing stable can write to save the world. You could say saving the world has always been our business.
(Based on the comedy of Patton Oswalt)
