Attention all litterbugs, genetic scientists, and Bill Gates—your seat to heaven just got swapped for a first class ticket to Dante’s Inferno. After fifteen centuries of battling Pope Gregory the Great’s seven capital vices: luxuria, gula, avaritia, acedia, ira, invidia, and superbia, the Vatican City has just announced that we must be on the look out for seven additional sins. Excuse me, seven modern sins.

As if I, a mere mortal, don’t have enough to agonize over already. The cost of filling up my gas tank far exceeding the value of my vehicle, I have less than a week to look “trim” for Spring Break, and god knows what kind of hormones were injected into the cow before it ended up on my dinner plate last night as a succulent medium-rare New York steak. And now, according to the Vatican’s recent statement, the second my gum wrapper ends up on the ground instead of a trash can, my soul will be condemned to eternal damnation. Fabulous.

Well, excuse me Mr. Red-and-black-robe-wearing-with-a-yamaka-on-his-head-holy-man, but I didn’t realize the seven deadly sins were on a revolving list. Since when could people add sins to this list? I’m sorry to sound so concerned, but my soul is on the line here.

But what’s done has been done. Seven additional sins have been carved into the stone.

Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti, the Vatican’s number-two man, made the announcement from within the safe borders of the heavily guarded city-state. And like clockwork, the Vatican’s official newspaper, L’Osservatore Romano, dispersed his pleasant news around the world and updated millions of Catholic followers and priests. Not to mention, the news has probably already hit your local confession booth.

The new list of “thou shalt not’s” will now include pollution, pedophilia, genetic experiments, obscene wealth, increasing the disparity between rich and poor, drug trafficking and consumption, and morally debatable experiments.

But it didn’t start this way. Archbishop Girotti’s intent in giving an interview with L’Osservatore Romano was to discuss Italy’s declining confession rates. According to a study done by Milan’s Catholic University, sixty percent of Italian Catholics have stopped going to confession altogether. While the alarming decrease was what prompted Girotti to give the interview, the bigger news came as he overhauled the Vatican’s list of mortal sins.

“You offend God not only by stealing, blaspheming, or coveting your neighbor’s wife, but also by ruining the environment, carrying out morally debatable scientific experiments, or allowing genetic manipulations which alter DNA or compromise embryos,” says Girotti.

According to the almighty Girotti, the new sins address modern evils. Unlike the original seven deadly sins, which focus on individuality, the new sins intend to address contemporary ills that have societal effects.

How does that proverbial saying go? Oh yeah—isn’t that the pot calling the teakettle black?

Last year, Cardinal Roger Mahony of the Los Angeles Archdiocese announced the Catholic Church had reached a settlement with over five hundred people suing the church on pedophilia allegations—making it a six hundred million payout. Now, that should be a sin.

And I understand that Pope Benedict XVI is a popular man, but I do believe the emissions released from his air and ground travels contribute to the air pollution just like everyone else’s. Is he damned as well?

This Vatican-decreed addendum to my worry list is giving me an ulcer. I’d ask for some drugs, but getting to Walgreens would require me hailing a cab, which pollutes the environment with emissions. Not to mention, the act of purchasing medication would be benefiting an economy, making the disparity between rich and poor worse—especially in San Francisco where gentrification is definitely a problem. Oh yeah, did I mention the sole purpose of this trip would be reason enough to meet Lucifer?

I guess I’ll see you in the ninth circle of hell.

If a bottle hits the ground while no one is around, are you still going to hell?