Perhaps it’s the six perfectly tanned and toned mannequins that stand outside of Hollister that lure the young man into the store, making him feel that this is a sexy place to shop. The male forms show off their buff pecs, and their pants are slung so low on their hips that the outlines of their groins and pubis peek over the waistband of their destroyed jeans. The female forms boast slim thighs and waists and perky breasts.

Making his way past the entrance into the dim interior of the “Dudes” section, he strides past me, looking like he’s on a frenzied search and a bit lost. He stops, turns around, walks up to me and announces, “I’m looking for a gift for a girl.”

“I’m trying to get this girl to, you know, go to bed with me. What would be a good gift?” he finally asks.
What? Did I hear wrong?

Nope. This guy with the buzz-cut hair, who appears to be in his mid-twenties, repeats that he needs me to help him find a gift that would somehow convey the message that he wants to have sex with her. “I don’t know, a sweater?” I point him toward some seventy-dollar knitted hoodies, hoping this mystery woman is worth more than that.

“Men are more motivated by sex, and especially in the younger crowd, a man realizes that anything that makes a woman feel better gives him a better chance of bedding her,” expresses Tanja Diamond, a tantric sex teacher and sexual intimacy expert.

Certified sex educator Veronica Monet knows a lot about men. After all, she worked as an escort for fourteen years. “Men do expect sex for the gifts they buy,” she says. “This does not always translate to sex that night, but the general expectation that most men have is that gift-giving creates goodwill, which will encourage sexual interaction. It’s not exactly buying sex, but it’s not that far removed.”

Ian Coburn, a comedian and author of God is a Woman: Dating Disasters, says that scenarios like this are quite common. “Personally, it annoys me. I get all kinds of questions from guys, like: what movie should I rent to get me laid, what foods should I eat on a date with her, good story I can tell to get laid. Fortunately, I get to come down on them and set them straight.”

“What amazes most men is how offended women can become about a man’s expectations,” mentions Monet. And indeed, three women in their twenties share such a reaction to my encounter with the gift-seeking man.

Twenty-two-year-old San Francisco State University student Katy Souza says that she would be critical if someone she barely knew bought her a gift, wondering about their ulterior motives. “I don’t want to date someone who has the mindset of giving gifts in the hopes of getting sex. This is very unromantic!”

“If I knew a guy was giving me a gift so that he could get me into bed, I’d be totally creeped out,” proclaims Lianne Camille, a twenty-one-year-old SF State student. “It’s not something I would expect, and at the same time, it’s not something I would want.”

But if the benevolent man is a boyfriend, then the situation changes. “Gift buying in exchange for personal favors, sexual or otherwise, for boyfriends and girlfriends, is a part of being in a relationship. It’s the trade-off,” Camille admits.

“If I knew [my boyfriend] was giving me something just for sex, it would make me a lot less likely to be in the mood,” admits twenty-one-year-old Christina Rinaldi. “I should say I would accept it and let him know I know his plan, and then probably not put out. Women are never obligated to have sex.”

“Women are playing the opposite side of the game,” Monet recognizes. “Most women know that they will accrue more ‘value’ if they ‘hold out’ for something really big—like an expensive engagement ring.”

Despite the general “creep factor” that some have expressed, maybe trading goods for sex isn’t so strange. In August 2008, in an article called “Bartering Sex for Stuff and Services,” CNN found that it isn’t unusual for both men and women to trade sex for other things. The story is based on a study done by the University of Michigan, and found that out of 475 students, aged seventeen to twenty-six, 27 percent of men and 14 percent of women said that they have offered gifts or favors in exchange for sex.

“It is common for all of us to barter for sexual power and sexual favor,” Diamond acknowledges.

Bonnie Smolins, assistant editor and senior writer for American Sexuality Magazine, thinks it’s difficult to make a general assumption about this topic. “What men might say to salespeople doesn’t necessarily have to mirror their true feelings. Many men, even today, still feel a duty to be perceived in a stereotypically masculine-like manner, while in truth, they might really have romantic feelings for the person they are shopping for.”

However, some might see the act of buying a woman a gift to woo her into bed as a time-worn tradition that spans to the animal kingdom. “Haven’t men been buying gifts, dinner, cinema tickets, oxen, land, baubles and bangles, castles, for thousands of generations with the aim of cementing their right to an heir?” David Bradley, a science writer, asks. “Animals even have gift-giving for sex, so it’s not even unique to humans.”

Coburn argues that there is a key difference in how animals offer goods in order to copulate. “Animal gifts serve a purpose and are almost always given only when the pair is already a mate. Society’s turned that on its head,” he believes. “In the animal world, it’s almost always the male who dances, prances, fights, fluffs feathers to get the female. We’ve changed that to the woman’s job; the pressure is always on the woman to get and keep the man. So it’s not really a nature thing at all.”