As I glance at my olive complexion, I'm taken by my slightly darker than usual under eye circles. Driving Northbound on Skyline, Bob Marley ironically blaring through the speakers, I'm experiencing an abnormal sense of relaxation so early in the morning. Starring down at the cup holder, I'm bummed that my beloved coffee has been replaced by a sweet, syrupy concoction that burns inside my empty stomach. And despite that red light I nearly just ran, it's not a Jack and Coke.

Attention fad dieters and detoxers! The late Stanley Burrows, creator of The Master Cleanse, is probably turning over in his grave due to all of the royalties he's missing out on. His program has even caught the attention of those trendy celebs, and it's as simple as not eating anything for ten days. You don't even have to get off your ass and break a sweat. Just take some maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and fresh lemons and mix the ingredients in water, and detox your dirty body away. Can you feel the spiritual attunement yet? Side effects may include being held hostage by your toilet, massive headaches, loss of attention span, feeling stoned, death by starvation, and a hatred toward obese people. Results not typical. See The Master Cleanser for details.

Stomping my tan leather boots up each step, I exert my body forward like a galloping horse. Breathing heavily, I am surprisingly lightheaded when I get to the top of what were only two flights of stairs. Today is day one of my attempt to stop eating and start cleaning house of years of toxic waste that dwells inside of me. As I deny my humanities teacher of any attention, I obsess that it's lunchtime and over the painful fact that I'm being denied of a meal.

Dr. Ray Sahelian, M.D. is all about trying out new types of herb. The supplemental kinds of course. Dr. Sahelian has earned a reputation amongst his medical colleagues for keeping an open mind to natural remedies, though the Master Cleanse is not something he has grown too fond of.

"I know many people who have gone on drastic programs and only few have mentioned much of a benefit. The majority quit the detox programs due to side effects, fatigue, worsening of their condition, and a lack of will power to maintain the rigid programs," says Sahelian. He believes such cleanses aren't healthy and sees no scientific basis for the specific ingredients. Sahelian says cutting back to about 1,200 calories a day of pure organic goodness is a better alternative.

After about an hour of trying to nap in an attempt to close myself off from food, I'm still awake and I'm still hungry. Driving around was a brilliant idea that I came up with in order to avoid the kitchen. What I have gained from it is one of those stab-you-in-the-eye-with-a-needle headaches from the glaring sun, in the middle of winter, might I add. Also, an empty gas tank, followed by Hernando, or maybe it was Fernando, the 76 worker telling me I'd look a lot prettier if I smiled. The last thing miserable people want is to be reminded that they are miserable.

I could always go running on the beach to gain clarity. But I'm convinced that would be followed by fainting and a hospital bill to accompany my dreadful student loans, so I chose to wallow in self-pity instead.

Jill Ayn Schneider, director of Circle of Life Holistic Programs, has been guiding people through the Master Cleanse for the last ten years. "It's definitely an amazing way to give the body a physiological rush," says Schneider. The colon is getting quite the rush as well because this cleanse truly clears out the playing field.

Sitting on the floor of my friend's room, I examine my face closely in the mirror. My cheeks are burning up into a shade of crimson. While I drag on about how terrible I feel, it's pretty clear that I'm annoying the hell out of her. She doesn't get why I'm doing this. I lie on my back and put my hands over my eyes to block out the sun, and suddenly my mouth begins to fill up with warm saliva. Vomiting up bile was not what I had in mind.

Scheinder believes the length of time for cleansing should depend on the prospective cleanser, and emotional preparation is key. In my case, I should have set a goal for like three days, maybe taken some yoga, given up showering, and quit shaving my armpits.

The phone rings. It's my mom. She wants to know if I've dropped dead yet. She's ecstatic to hear that I quit. As I indulge in a bean burrito, I never knew failure could feel so good. I wonder if Taco Bell would have given the all mighty Gandhi such spiritual enlightenment.