At the foot of Derek’s bed is a stack of books about health and the body, holistic medicine and Chinese herbs. The 23-year-old dancer is very aware of his body. He rarely gets sick, takes countless vitamins, drinks plenty of water, eats a healthy diet, and practices yoga daily.

He is the picture of health and he has been HIV-positive for two years.

Derek is just one of about 5,500 people in San Francisco who are documented as having HIV non-AIDS, according to the San Francisco Department of Public Health report for July 2002-March 2005. That number does not include those who tested anonymously, are not receiving treatment, and/or are not aware of their status.

When Derek went into a clinic in June 2004 to get tested, medication was not on his mind. He went to support a friend who needed to get tested. However, his friend turned out to be HIV-negative and he was diagnosed with HIV at 21.

Derek’s life started to spin.

“I was lying on the floor, then pacing the room, up on the table, back on the floor,” he said. “I was all over the place. I was visualizing telling my boyfriend, seeing my death. It took a few months to snap out of it and realize it’s not a death sentence.”

Derek used to take recreational drugs and said that it never took much to get him high because his body is so easily affected by everything he does and takes in. When he was first diagnosed, he knew that a lifetime of drug cocktails was not how he wanted to live and he has been able to avoid it so far. In fact, Derek is so healthy that he has never taken any medication to control his HIV-positive status. He goes regularly to an acupuncturist who specializes in treating those with HIV.

“Really, I’ll do anything to avoid meds right now,” said Derek. “I’m not averse to them, but I’d rather manage my health through a healthy lifestyle.”

Derek’s then boyfriend, Matt, was out of town when he was diagnosed and his biggest fear at the time was telling him when he returned. They had not been using protection and Derek was cheating on him.
Matt, Derek’s ex-boyfriend, was supportive throughout his diagnosis and adjustment period.

“Derek’s (HIV) status was never an issue and I never made it one,” said Matt. “It didn’t change my love for him or my feelings about him. The whole situation was hard but very private and we dealt with it together.”

Derek said that Matt’s unconditional love and support taught him how to love himself more completely and helped him through the first few months after his diagnosis and continues to shape how he feels about himself.

However, he knows not everyone in his life could be so supportive and accepting.

Derek has not told his parents or sisters. His family is from North Carolina and he said if they ever found out, they would look at him differently and perhaps love him out of pity or fear of losing him.

“Being HIV-positive does not define me,” he said. “If they’re going to love me it has to be based on me, my art, and who I am as a person. I’d rather have their unconditional love and keep this from them than have them love me based on the fear that I may not be around some day.”

Derek had his first experience being judged and defined for being HIV-positive about a year ago. He told someone he was dating that he was HIV-positive and that man told his parents. The mom told her son was not allowed to date Derek or be around him in any way other than as a friend.

“There’s this ultimate fear of rejection and being judged that you live with every day when you’re HIV-positive,” Derek said. “I have to be smart about who I tell because I don’t want to tell people who are going to judge me or see me differently.”

Derek’s best friend Tracy was one of the first people he told. Tracy still lives in North Carolina and is very careful when talking to people who know of Derek and her new friends who may meet him someday.

“It’s unfair to frame him as ‘my HIV-positive best friend, Derek’ because he is so much more than that,” said Tracy. “After my new friends meet him they are always very struck by how attractive he is, or by his energy and his enthusiasm. Those are the things that define Derek, not his HIV status.”

Derek is careful about the people in his life who he shares his status with, but he does not let a fear of rejection stop him from educating people about preventing or living with HIV.

He regularly attends a support group and talks with his HIV positive peers about the lifestyle changes he has made that allow him to live with HIV without taking medication every day. He also gave a presentation in an SF State biology of AIDS class last March.

“I don’t think I could be as sane as I am if I didn’t have to deal with this everyday,” he said. “It makes me more aware of myself and others and it brings things together in my life.”