Behind the scenes: I am Oscar Dolores Servellon

I was not always emo, i used to wear some bright colors. But everything was still really gloomy, the colors i wore were never really expressing how i felt. Almost like layers and layers of masks that did not help my problems go away. There was no escaping my life not even for a second. My parents would argue, a lot, my brothers picked on me because i was dark skinned and because i got all the attention for being the youngest. With time i became a shell, hiding behind walls of lies and isolation. no one understood me, so i did not try to understand anyone. like a routine i would wake up go to school, listen and learn, talk with the most gloomy kids, come home and do m homework, then play video games for the rest of the night until it was time to go to sleep, over and over again, life never moved.

My parents split up when i was about 7 years old, the only memory i have is when my dad was hugging me and my brothers after my mom went to court and was able to keep us. I thought i would never see my dad, i wanted him to make my stepdad go away. Miguel was his name, i hated him and still do. Any simple mistake and my brothers and i would get punished. Like a parasite this life was eating my soul, my mind and my spirit. Very weird like my eyes stopped bleeding, when everyone was dead asleep. I couldn't cry anymore, i felt dead inside. Now just waiting until it was my time to go away, hating the world i fell asleep, ignoring my pain i awoke. It was not until my freshmen year in high school did i realize that the only time i felt safe was when listening to music, knowing people knew where i was, i wasn't totally lost in hatred for all those that were wrong and unaware.

I started off by listening to bands like, Yellowcard, Blink 182, and Sum 41. Then i realized i liked more metal music like, Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Bullet For My Valentine, Korn, From First To Last, Escape The Fate, and The Birthday Massacre. I spend so much time on my computer at home searching for rock music that makes ant to bang my head. Loving the sound of screaming guitars as the drums sound like their going to break apart from the beating, while the powerfully truthfull lyrics that have a meaning, and aren't about love, breaking up, holering at a girl who has thick thighs, a big chest, or making love. These lyrics are about understanding people like me.

Little by my mom started to notice a change in me. I am not the boy she gave birth to anymore, i am different i stopped wearing bright clothes, and spent all my time in my room just sitting in the dark. No one could hurt or make me smile. I didn't care anymore i had a life i never wanted, so many times did i hold a blade t to my wrist. i could never go through with it. I knew there was something here waiting for me to find, someone that could love me unconditionally. I saw her for the first time on the bus, i found Jennifer. The most important person in my life, being able to understand me so well, because she had gone through almost everything i had. I love her, she makes all the sadness go away...