Oscar Servellon: June 2008 Archives

one by one they fall
fall to earth as they failed to shine bright enough
they fall in oceans, forests and caves
turning everything dark and gloomy
the scent of death and hatred
the world is consumed in fear and confusion
not knowing right from wrong
like shadows they stick to the floor
slimy dark souls eat the heart
then spit out the soul
like a parasite
people let themselves die
unafraid to be blind
they see asleep
unafraid to be mute
they speak silence
unafraid to be death
they listen to a blank tape
that plays over and over again
with every line
they become more and more numb
as they lose themselves
to brainwashing lyrics
making them just like the next
just copies of the same shell
no one is unique
no one is alive
like a phobia of standing out
afraid of isolation
a chain around the mind
enables them to think
giving only the opportunity to march
like a soldier without a conscience
those who run are called cowards
and not survivors
to the falling black summer stars

I was not always emo, i used to wear some bright colors. But everything was still really gloomy, the colors i wore were never really expressing how i felt. Almost like layers and layers of masks that did not help my problems go away. There was no escaping my life not even for a second. My parents would argue, a lot, my brothers picked on me because i was dark skinned and because i got all the attention for being the youngest. With time i became a shell, hiding behind walls of lies and isolation. no one understood me, so i did not try to understand anyone. like a routine i would wake up go to school, listen and learn, talk with the most gloomy kids, come home and do m homework, then play video games for the rest of the night until it was time to go to sleep, over and over again, life never moved.

My parents split up when i was about 7 years old, the only memory i have is when my dad was hugging me and my brothers after my mom went to court and was able to keep us. I thought i would never see my dad, i wanted him to make my stepdad go away. Miguel was his name, i hated him and still do. Any simple mistake and my brothers and i would get punished. Like a parasite this life was eating my soul, my mind and my spirit. Very weird like my eyes stopped bleeding, when everyone was dead asleep. I couldn't cry anymore, i felt dead inside. Now just waiting until it was my time to go away, hating the world i fell asleep, ignoring my pain i awoke. It was not until my freshmen year in high school did i realize that the only time i felt safe was when listening to music, knowing people knew where i was, i wasn't totally lost in hatred for all those that were wrong and unaware.

I started off by listening to bands like, Yellowcard, Blink 182, and Sum 41. Then i realized i liked more metal music like, Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Bullet For My Valentine, Korn, From First To Last, Escape The Fate, and The Birthday Massacre. I spend so much time on my computer at home searching for rock music that makes ant to bang my head. Loving the sound of screaming guitars as the drums sound like their going to break apart from the beating, while the powerfully truthfull lyrics that have a meaning, and aren't about love, breaking up, holering at a girl who has thick thighs, a big chest, or making love. These lyrics are about understanding people like me.

Little by my mom started to notice a change in me. I am not the boy she gave birth to anymore, i am different i stopped wearing bright clothes, and spent all my time in my room just sitting in the dark. No one could hurt or make me smile. I didn't care anymore i had a life i never wanted, so many times did i hold a blade t to my wrist. i could never go through with it. I knew there was something here waiting for me to find, someone that could love me unconditionally. I saw her for the first time on the bus, i found Jennifer. The most important person in my life, being able to understand me so well, because she had gone through almost everything i had. I love her, she makes all the sadness go away...

In my mind i saw a building; a long line of couples waiting, supporters and protesters. Today, I was hoping to see a lot of couples waiting patiently in line to enter city hall and get married. There would be a long red carpet leading inside, while red velvet ropes and police officers would hold protesters back.

There were supporters waiting, ready to throw rice, flower pets and cheer with joy to show how happy they were for the newlyweds. The police officers were there, but there were no protesters. There was a lot of support from the community; there was even a couple giving free rides to newlyweds in their taxicab, seeing as they too were from the LGBT community. although there were many good things, there were not any bad thing to get away, thats good right? wrong. my group was suppose to cover the protesters opinions.

I was also able to record a lot of couples getting married and kiss their spouses. There was a lot of cool observations being made by the BAMMA groups, for example, many of the gay couples had one guy who was at least 15 years older than their partner. The couples liked to dress a like, some came without a suit or dress, and some people even got married outside of city hall.

Yesterday was my first day at BAMMA, and I was really nervous. I knew I was going to have a roommate, the only question was who? When meeting at orientation I did not expect to be so intrigued. It all sounded fun, but why? I was that interested in a program. Was I just dreaming? Sure it sounded like fun, but is it?... Yes, it is really fun.

After orientation yesterday, we walked towards Mary Ward Hall. Went up on the elevator and finally reached the second floor. As I nervously searched my pockets for the room key, I opened the door, and BAM! I saw the smallest room, with two beds, two desks and two closets that did not even have coat hangers. I was dissapointed, but if it was the only way I would be away from my family... it was good enough.

"How-dee" said my roommate as he walked in, Joel, was standing behind me with his hand extended ready to shake my hand. We introduced ourselves, I felt like a record as I noticed I kept repeating, " Hi, I'm Oscar, this is my mom,and my brother". I chose my bed and instantly threw my bags on the bed and started unpacking. My mom said her goodbye my brother said his, and they were gone.

Soon after we were off to dinner. We got out our meal cards and got inside. I was dissapointed to see the food was not as good as the teacher said it would be. I kept hearing, "Dorm food is gooooood". IT WAS ALL A LIE. The food was horrible, like Aaron said, "It has good days and bad days... today was a BAD day." After dinner, we all went back to the dorms... right across from the place, and we met Tara. With Tara we sat down and talked about so many things that made time pass REALLY quickly. We talked about journalism, our favorite TV shows, and we were rewarded with candy. Overall, I had a lot of fun on my first day at BAMMA, and hope to have as much the rest of the time here in the program.